30 questions to ask before an arranged marriage in 2026, and what the research says

Most first meetings in an arranged marriage cover the same ground: job, salary, family, hobbies, and whether you can cook. Useful, but not what tends to decide whether a marriage works. Decades of relationship research point to a few things that matter far more: shared values and plans, how you handle conflict, and how you treat each other's small moments.

Here are 30 questions grouped by what they reveal. You don't need all of them in one sitting. In fact you shouldn't: a famous 1997 study by psychologist Arthur Aron found that strangers grew close fastest when their questions started light and got deeper gradually.

Start light: who you are day to day

Easy questions first. They tell you more than they seem to, and they let both of you relax.

• What does a typical Saturday look like for you now, and what would your ideal one be?
• What's something you're looking forward to this month?
• Who do you call first when something good happens?
• What's a small thing that reliably makes your day better?
• What's the accomplishment you're proudest of, and why that one?

Values: what you're both working towards

Studies of newlyweds find that couples are most alike in their values and attitudes, far more than in personality. Values are also hard to change later. Ask early.

• What matters most to you in how you live: security, freedom, family, achievement, faith, helping others?
• What's a time you stood up for something even though it cost you?
• What role does faith play in your life, and what would you want it to play in our home?
• What did your family get right that you want to carry forward, and what would you do differently?
• How do you think about money: saving, spending, supporting parents, giving?

The life you'd build: the practical questions

These feel awkward, so people skip them and find out after the wedding. A 2015 study found that people actively screen out partners whose long-term goals differ from theirs. Better to find out now.

• Where do you want to live in five years: this city, near family, abroad?
• Do you want children? If yes, roughly when, and how many?
• Would we live with either family, near them, or on our own?
• How should we split money: all joint, separate, or a mix?
• What are your career plans, and would you move or change jobs for a partner's career?
• How do you see housework and cooking being shared?
• What timeline feels right for marriage to you?

That housework question isn't small. A study in the Journal of Family Issues found that a split of housework that felt unfair was linked with lower marital happiness, and with divorce among wives.

Conflict: how you disagree

Psychologist John Gottman's research found that it's not whether couples argue that predicts trouble, but how. Three very different styles (talking it out straight away, calmly cooling off, letting small things go) all went with lasting marriages. What mattered was how a disagreement started, and whether the couple could repair afterwards.

• When you're upset, do you want to talk straight away, or cool down first?
• How did your parents handle disagreements, and what did you learn from it?
• What's the best way for someone to bring up a problem with you?
• After an argument, how do you like to make up?
• Tell me about a time someone changed your mind about something important.

That last one matters: a 1998 study of newlyweds found that being willing to accept a partner's influence predicted a successful marriage.

Everyday closeness: how you'll treat each other

Gottman's research also points to small daily moments, which he calls “bids” for connection: a comment about the news, a shared joke. Couples who turn towards them do better. And a 2004 study found that how partners respond to each other's good news is tied to trust and intimacy.

• How do you like to be appreciated: words, time, help, small gifts?
• When you share good news, what kind of reaction feels best?
• What's an everyday moment you'd want to share with a partner?
• How much time alone do you need to feel like yourself?
• What does a good weekend together look like to you?

Family: the questions Indian marriages can't skip

• How involved do you expect our parents to be in our decisions?
• What are your responsibilities to your parents, now and later?
• How would we handle a disagreement between me and your family?

How to actually ask them

• Spread them out. Two or three meaningful questions per conversation beat thirty in one evening.
• Answer them yourself too. It's a conversation, not an interview.
• Listen for specifics. “I want a big family” means little; “two kids, and my mother living with us” means a lot.
• Don't punish honesty. If the answer isn't what you hoped, thank them. A clear no now is a gift.

If you'd like to try the light questions out loud first, Ourpoint Live runs evenings of six five-minute text chats with verified people from your city, each opening with a question for the two of you. The first is in Kochi on Sunday 15 November 2026, and booking a seat is free.